relationship

How you respond to others determines your depth of conversation and connection. If you want your partner, business associate, or date to be honest, vulnerable, and direct with you, you must respond correctly. What does that mean? You have to show interest, be present, and have the skills to keep others open and sharing. Often, the opposite happens. If you had a bad day, are uncomfortable with the subject matter, or never learned how to react appropriately, you may inadvertently silence your partner with the wrong response. Conversation stoppers are not only going to shut down communication, but will also make further attempts at connecting less likely. Most people don’t try to intentionally stop others from communicating and telling their story. So when they realize how their behaviors are affecting others, they can usually change their reactions to better support others in conversation. Although the following conversation stoppers may be uncomfortable to examine, try to honestly evaluate yourself. Once you recognize that you may be doing them, you may find it easier to change. Conversation Stopper #1 – Blaming your partner for the problem When a person is hurt, has a problem, or talks about something embarrassing, they are usually looking for understanding and support. That doesn’t necessarily mean you must agree with what they are feeling, but you must be willing to listen and encourage them in a judgment-free zone. Conversation Stopper #2 – Erasing It doesn’t matter how you “erase” someone, but the effect is the same – the other person will feel that you’re just not interested. You might stop their sharing by being completely silent, showing no emotion or reaction, offering a quick fix response, or not stopping what you’re doing to listen. Another method of erasing is by changing the subject without recognizing what they are saying. Conversation Stopper #3 – Shock Similar to blaming, shock or outrage responses are exaggerated, negative, and/or challenging reactions to what the other person is sharing. The responder’s goal is to shut down the other’s real or imagined emotional hyper-reactivity by outdoing it. Instead of giving emotional support, the responding partner becomes outraged, shocked, or surprised and, by doing so, communicates that the issue is ridiculous. Conversation Stopper #4 – Making it about you This is self explanatory. This scenario is when a person constantly turns the conversation back on them when another person is sharing their story. A once famous therapist, Virginia Satir, used to call this the famous Quarterback-Sneak. Conversation Stopper #5 – Superior Judge Many people have strong opinions about the way dilemmas should be handled and/or feel the need to correct others. Even if you do know more or think the presented situation should be handled differently or a person mispronounced or stated something insignificant incorrectly, you should not be ready to teach, disdain, criticize, or condemn them. The criticized partner might argue, resist, or counter-criticize, but will eventually leave the congregation if you keep up the preaching. Superior knowledge or experience may have value, but only when sought out. When another person is sharing a story or looking for comfort and support, he or she will probably not accept your critique without feeling invalidated by it. Unsolicited advice is not a good response to any problem. How to keep the conversation going… 1. Ask questions and listen. 2. When others need support, listen carefully without criticizing, invalidating, preaching, showing anger, directing, erasing, blaming, irritation, correcting, judging, or making it about you. 3. Before reacting, ask what you can do to help and to clarify what they are communicating, if unsure. 4. Always take the other’s concerns seriously and express your interest and support, even if you have reservations at the time. 5. Know that most people eventually solve their own problems when they have someone who respects their point of view. For more dating advice, or to schedule your personal coaching call today, click HERE.

Do you know how to be interesting? Think of the most interesting and engaging people you know. What is it that they do or say that makes them so fun to be with? What do they talk about?  Almost all interesting people are good listeners. They have a way of making you feel like you are the most important person in the universe while talking with you. They are active listeners and will work with whatever material you provide them to carry on a conversation. That being said, let’s focus on what you offer to others that allows them to engage with you. Most people talk about the thing they know the most about…themselves.  Even the best conversationalists can only use that limited scope of information for so long before it wears thin, the conversation wanes, and eventually repeats itself. One way to test this is to think about how much the other person knows about you and how much you know about the other person at the end of the conversation. If you don’t know anything about what they are passionate about, the conversation was a failure. Furthermore, if they don’t much about you, you have both wasted oxygen and time idling in place. Ask questions…Where you were born? Where did you grow up, go to school? What is your passion? Favorite travel spots? Ask them to tell you about siblings, friends, parents, pets, children. Be careful not to spend too much time discussing occupations. Most people’s work can be summarized in a short resume that sums up to be…I work to make money so I can buy things. The vast majority of people you meet will not be astronauts, race car drivers, pirates, or some other breathless occupation or endeavor. Example of a boring conversation: “So, what do you do for a living?” “Well, I’m a data analyst for a large manufacturing company and in charge of deciding if we buy or sell widget A or widget B, on any particular day.” “Wow, I’m a lawyer and specialize in intellectual property law and write and review contracts for large companies.” Fascinating. Really? Does what you do for a living define you?  Hopefully not. Most people still have to pay rent or mortgage, and no matter how interesting your work might be, it’s not something that will sustain a conversation long, much less a relationship. Let’s try this again. “What do you do for fun?” “Well, it’s a little embarrassing to admit, but I am a competitive square dancer.” “Oh! Well, that is interesting! I’ve never done that, but I have been taking salsa dancing lessons, and I really enjoy it! Tell me more about square dancing!” Whether it’s square dancing, motorcycling, skiing, trap shooting, visiting old battlefields, or making action dioramas with Barbie and Ken dolls – as long as it gets you off of the couch and is fun and interesting, it provides a means to engage with others. There is a lid for every pot and a ying for every yang. There is a special, interesting person out there doing the same thing, or something else, that they want to share with you. No matter how esoteric or outright goofy your thing might be, it will probably make the invite list for a party somewhere. Get off the couch. Pursue new interests. Find the thing that turns you on, and you will find the person who turns you on. They are waiting for you – so get out there, be interesting, and share what makes you unique with others. If you don’t know what your passion is, get out there, learn new things, and try new activities until you find something you truly enjoy. For more dating advice, or to schedule your personal coaching call today, click HERE.